When did you first act out?
Posted on Sunday, February 10, 2008 at 8:58 AM by Duncan Bouwer
Well, as I mentioned elsewhere, I was mildly active as a child, but probably not consciously homosexual. All during school, I had girlfriends, although I never was sexually active to the point of penetration. I came very close, though.
At the age of 18 I entered university (college) and within a week found myself thinking and saying things that I had never (consciously) though and said before. I was in res and we were subjected to initiation, and so all the guys who were not the macho he-man types seemed to band together for comfort and mutual support. I found myself associating with all the gay guys. Of course, in the beginning it was never mentioned that they were gay (this was 1979) but we instinctively knew we had something in common.
I changed roommates, because the guy who I was sharing with was just such an incredibly impossibly unlikeable... (I mistakenly took him to a gay bar, showing him what my new lifestyle was. He seemed OK with it when I told him I was gay and seemed interested in the gay scene. I never for one moment thought he could be gay, but hoped against hope that he, who was my roommate after all, could accept my choice. From the next day he turned into a monster.) Eventually, in self-defence, I moved out and into a room with a guy who, if he is still a man today, I will eat my hat. He had a high voice, no beard, and was extremely refined and effeminate. In moving in with him I was making some very public choices about whom I was choosing to associate with. Even though this new roommate, not suprisingly, considering all the victimising that he endured, moved out soon after that, the die was cast for me.
The thought started going through my head that I might be gay. I can't recall if I was attracted to anybody or not, but I know that it was such a terribly insecure time, where any affirmation would have been good, that this could have been a strong factor in what happened next.
There was a guy who seemed to have it all together. He was well-groomed and his clothes were to die for. It just seemed that if this guy could like me, I would surely be somebody (Isn't that some of the basis for all of our same-sexual attractions?) So one day I found myself saying to him that I thought I might be bisexual. That wasn't as "bad" as being gay, so it seemed like a "safe" thing to say to a guy who was so together. He admitted to being gay, and soon I dragged him into bed.
It seemed like the most natural thing in the world when we first had sex. I was excited and definitely hooked. I knew just what to do and took to it like a duck to water.