Were you happy as a gay man?
Posted on Sunday, February 10, 2008 at 8:56 AM by Duncan Bouwer
The short answer is, yes. After all, what we look for as gay men, is affirmation from another man. We think that if we are "loved" by another man, we are fulfilled.
Initially I was devastated, because I grew up in a conservative community, not to mention country (South Africa), and I knew what the bible said about homosexuality. I tried to get over it by praying about it (not too seriously) because my conscience told me that it was wrong. I even tried to have a relationship with an old girlfriend who was at the same university. It didn't work. I didn't get over it, and my relationship with my ex just didn't have the same charm anymore. So, without making a conscious decision about it, I just drifted out of being uncomfortable with it, and started enjoying myself.
Because I was young (18) when I entered the gay scene, it was easy to be happy. Sex is easy to obtain, and when you are attracted to another man, the excitement can easily pass for love and contentment. Even now, when I think back of some of my experiences, my heart skips a beat. There was certainly a lot of excitement involved in this lifestyle. My only obligation was to enjoy myself and see that my itches were scratched.
In 1983 I met a man who was to be my lover for altogether 7 years, 5 of which we lived together. Who knows what would have happened if he hadn't moved to London. It was the perfect relationship. Everybody knew that we would be together for life. To crown it all, we had the dream arrangement. We were in an "open relationship" which meant that we were free to have sexual intercourse with other men, as long as we didn't get emotionally involved. For the first 2 years it went well, because we didn't use the privilege. But then I went away to do a show in another city, and things went horribly wrong. To be fair, this could have happened in any committed relationship, even a heterosexual one. I used the privilege of our open relationship, and fell in love with the guy that I was having sex with. This will be remembered as one of the most painful experiences I have ever had. It caused hurt all round. Three people caught in a whirlwind of broken promises and expectations.
I managed to pull my relationship together again, with difficulty. My lover was like a father to me. When I met him, my whole personality changed. My interests were subsumed in his. I changed from a relatively empty-headed young queer into a political activist. For 5 years all I thought of was to be the person that my lover wanted me to be. This isn't a gay thing either. It can happen to any co-dependent person. It's just that, because one broken man cannot give another broken man what he hasn't got himself, my needs were unmet. I moved around in a fog of marijuana addiction, striving to be a professional singer, succeeding, but still unfulfilled.
I know that some gay people succeed in reconciling their homosexuality with their Christianity, but I was not able to and under the influence of my lover, I turned my back on God altogether. I became an "atheist". My homosexuality became my god. My gay identity was all that I wanted to be and was and so everything that I was hid in the shadow of my homosexuality. I shoved everybody's nose in it, even in the army where I was very out of the closet.
Funny enough, when my lover of 5 years at that time, moved away, to start a career in London (I was to follow later) one of the first things that started happening amidst the sleeping around and circular seeking for stability, was that I began to seek after a spiritual life again. The cynics amongst my readers will say that it was because I had lost a lover, but, well, maybe it was.
Just before I gave my life to the Lord in 1991, I experienced the unhappiest time I had as a gay man. I met and fell in love with a young man that represented everything that I wanted. He was beautiful, and people fell over themselves to be with him. He chose me, and so started the cycle of lust and possessiveness that was to almost drive me mad. I was so jealous of him that finally I drove him away from me. He represented the pinnacle of achievement for me as a gay man, and when he left me amidst lies and deceit, I was devastated. I got involved with another very mixed up man who was into every spiritual and occult practise and belief you could wish to mention, as well as sleeping around, and I can be glad I didn't catch aids.
The gay lifestyle wasn't all it had cracked up to be. I don't think that I consciously thought that I was unhappy, but hindsight is 20/20, so I can see I was heading for a fall. Maybe I was a bubble-head anyway, but there is nothing in that life that can compare with what I have now. Thank God I left it behind. When I meet men who are in the lifestyle, who ask me questions about changing etc. I feel a great sense of "darkness" hanging over them. It engulfs my heart and I remember that my life had no hope and no purpose.