Do you ever think about having sex with a man anymore?
Posted on Sunday, February 10, 2008 at 8:46 AM by Duncan Bouwer
Once again, there is a short answer and a long explanation. The short answer is... "NO!"
I believe strongly that if you make up your mind that this is not an option anymore, you are able to take a big step in the direction of being free from the desire to have sex with a man. It's the same as any heterosexual couple who have a monogamous relationship. If you are unwillingly trapped into a relationship where you would rather be with anybody but your spouse/partner, then your eyes will stray and you will consciously or unconsciously be on the lookout for an opportunity to sleep with somebody else. If, in the back of your mind you are secretly convinced that there is somebody else out there that would be better to be with than your current "partner" then you will sniffing the wind for other opportunities.
But if you are convinced that what is happening in your life is the best that God can have for you, then you will not be looking out for something else. This is the case with me.
Firstly, I am convinced that it is not God's will for me to act out same-sex attractions. So, right from the start I avoided everything that could put me in a place where I would be vulnerable to something like that. As time went by the reason for the need to be united with a man sexually diminished more and more. God the Father poured love and affirmation of my masculinity into that space where the emptiness exists and so I am more and more enabled to act out my destiny as a whole man.
It is interesting that when I don't spend regular time in God's presence worshiping him and being in a place to receive his love and affirmation, then I become more vulnerable. It's a basic principle of walking in the Spirit. (Contact Mark Sutherland of "Open Arms" to get his book "Born Gay, so What?") I am able to conform to my true identity to the degree that I fulfil my true calling, namely, to worship the Father and submit my will and identity to him for his shaping.
The cynics will be saying that this proves that I can never change completely, and in a sense this is true. I will probably never be fully heterosexual. But I am free enough to live my life as a husband and father to a degree that is satisfying to me and my family, and I am becoming more and more free all the time.
I am never overcome by an irresistible urge to sleep with a man. The worst it gets is that sometime I am aware of a man in a way that plays into my insecurities in a particular way, and I must be careful to make sure that I guard my heart and mind (see the article I wrote about that) and go where the real need can be met. This genuinely works. I go into my study, put on some worship music and cry out my pain and loneliness to the Father. It is not the man that I have seen that I need, but rather the affirmation of my Lord, and then, I kid you not, everything is OK.
It's no good just fighting the urges. They only become stronger if we resist them without applying the medication that God provided. We must go to the source to quench our real thirst. GOD IS FAITHFUL!
Posted in About Me (RSS), Archive (RSS), My Story (RSS), Struggle (RSS)