Archive for the About Me category
Were you always attracted to boys/men?
Posted on Sunday, February 10, 2008 at 9:02 AM by Duncan Bouwer
Honestly I don't know. That is not a cop-out, but let me explain: When I was a little boy I played around like other little boys. It's difficult to decide whether it was more or less than other children. They say it is normal for all children to mess around with other childrenof the same sex. Just this week I saw two nine year old girls messing around in the pool, kissing each other. I remember an experience with another boy in my class, where we played outside, pretending that we were Tarzan and Jane. I was Jane, so I dunno if that means anything (*smile*). We kissed each other on the mouth a lot, but it never went further than that.
Maybe what makes me think that I was different, was that I remember clearly that I dreamed about a young guy who was in my school when I was in Junior School. I was so in love with him that I felt my heart would break. I can remember that dream today and I must have been in the second grade. I was also particularly aware of the bulge in the swimming instructor's speedo, and that I got an erection when I was roughing around with a guys I was friendly with (much to his disgust!)
But to be honest, if I had to say whether I was always acutely aware of being attracted to other guys from a very young age, then the answer is "no". Actually, I always had girl-friends and was intimate with them without having actual sex. But there came a time, after I acted out the first time, when I tried to sustain a relationship with some girls, but I just couldn't. Once I had acted out with a man, it was a lost cause. I hope that answers the question.
Posted in About Me (RSS), Archive (RSS), My Story (RSS)
When did you first act out?
Posted on Sunday, February 10, 2008 at 8:58 AM by Duncan Bouwer
Well, as I mentioned elsewhere, I was mildly active as a child, but probably not consciously homosexual. All during school, I had girlfriends, although I never was sexually active to the point of penetration. I came very close, though.
At the age of 18 I entered university (college) and within a week found myself thinking and saying things that I had never (consciously) though and said before. I was in res and we were subjected to initiation, and so all the guys who were not the macho he-man types seemed to band together for comfort and mutual support. I found myself associating with all the gay guys. Of course, in the beginning it was never mentioned that they were gay (this was 1979) but we instinctively knew we had something in common.
I changed roommates, because the guy who I was sharing with was just such an incredibly impossibly unlikeable... (I mistakenly took him to a gay bar, showing him what my new lifestyle was. He seemed OK with it when I told him I was gay and seemed interested in the gay scene. I never for one moment thought he could be gay, but hoped against hope that he, who was my roommate after all, could accept my choice. From the next day he turned into a monster.) Eventually, in self-defence, I moved out and into a room with a guy who, if he is still a man today, I will eat my hat. He had a high voice, no beard, and was extremely refined and effeminate. In moving in with him I was making some very public choices about whom I was choosing to associate with. Even though this new roommate, not suprisingly, considering all the victimising that he endured, moved out soon after that, the die was cast for me.
The thought started going through my head that I might be gay. I can't recall if I was attracted to anybody or not, but I know that it was such a terribly insecure time, where any affirmation would have been good, that this could have been a strong factor in what happened next.
There was a guy who seemed to have it all together. He was well-groomed and his clothes were to die for. It just seemed that if this guy could like me, I would surely be somebody (Isn't that some of the basis for all of our same-sexual attractions?) So one day I found myself saying to him that I thought I might be bisexual. That wasn't as "bad" as being gay, so it seemed like a "safe" thing to say to a guy who was so together. He admitted to being gay, and soon I dragged him into bed.
It seemed like the most natural thing in the world when we first had sex. I was excited and definitely hooked. I knew just what to do and took to it like a duck to water.
Posted in About Me (RSS), Archive (RSS), My Story (RSS)
Were you happy as a gay man?
Posted on Sunday, February 10, 2008 at 8:56 AM by Duncan Bouwer
The short answer is, yes. After all, what we look for as gay men, is affirmation from another man. We think that if we are "loved" by another man, we are fulfilled.
Initially I was devastated, because I grew up in a conservative community, not to mention country (South Africa), and I knew what the bible said about homosexuality. I tried to get over it by praying about it (not too seriously) because my conscience told me that it was wrong. I even tried to have a relationship with an old girlfriend who was at the same university. It didn't work. I didn't get over it, and my relationship with my ex just didn't have the same charm anymore. So, without making a conscious decision about it, I just drifted out of being uncomfortable with it, and started enjoying myself.
Because I was young (18) when I entered the gay scene, it was easy to be happy. Sex is easy to obtain, and when you are attracted to another man, the excitement can easily pass for love and contentment. Even now, when I think back of some of my experiences, my heart skips a beat. There was certainly a lot of excitement involved in this lifestyle. My only obligation was to enjoy myself and see that my itches were scratched.
In 1983 I met a man who was to be my lover for altogether 7 years, 5 of which we lived together. Who knows what would have happened if he hadn't moved to London. It was the perfect relationship. Everybody knew that we would be together for life. To crown it all, we had the dream arrangement. We were in an "open relationship" which meant that we were free to have sexual intercourse with other men, as long as we didn't get emotionally involved. For the first 2 years it went well, because we didn't use the privilege. But then I went away to do a show in another city, and things went horribly wrong. To be fair, this could have happened in any committed relationship, even a heterosexual one. I used the privilege of our open relationship, and fell in love with the guy that I was having sex with. This will be remembered as one of the most painful experiences I have ever had. It caused hurt all round. Three people caught in a whirlwind of broken promises and expectations.
I managed to pull my relationship together again, with difficulty. My lover was like a father to me. When I met him, my whole personality changed. My interests were subsumed in his. I changed from a relatively empty-headed young queer into a political activist. For 5 years all I thought of was to be the person that my lover wanted me to be. This isn't a gay thing either. It can happen to any co-dependent person. It's just that, because one broken man cannot give another broken man what he hasn't got himself, my needs were unmet. I moved around in a fog of marijuana addiction, striving to be a professional singer, succeeding, but still unfulfilled.
I know that some gay people succeed in reconciling their homosexuality with their Christianity, but I was not able to and under the influence of my lover, I turned my back on God altogether. I became an "atheist". My homosexuality became my god. My gay identity was all that I wanted to be and was and so everything that I was hid in the shadow of my homosexuality. I shoved everybody's nose in it, even in the army where I was very out of the closet.
Funny enough, when my lover of 5 years at that time, moved away, to start a career in London (I was to follow later) one of the first things that started happening amidst the sleeping around and circular seeking for stability, was that I began to seek after a spiritual life again. The cynics amongst my readers will say that it was because I had lost a lover, but, well, maybe it was.
Just before I gave my life to the Lord in 1991, I experienced the unhappiest time I had as a gay man. I met and fell in love with a young man that represented everything that I wanted. He was beautiful, and people fell over themselves to be with him. He chose me, and so started the cycle of lust and possessiveness that was to almost drive me mad. I was so jealous of him that finally I drove him away from me. He represented the pinnacle of achievement for me as a gay man, and when he left me amidst lies and deceit, I was devastated. I got involved with another very mixed up man who was into every spiritual and occult practise and belief you could wish to mention, as well as sleeping around, and I can be glad I didn't catch aids.
The gay lifestyle wasn't all it had cracked up to be. I don't think that I consciously thought that I was unhappy, but hindsight is 20/20, so I can see I was heading for a fall. Maybe I was a bubble-head anyway, but there is nothing in that life that can compare with what I have now. Thank God I left it behind. When I meet men who are in the lifestyle, who ask me questions about changing etc. I feel a great sense of "darkness" hanging over them. It engulfs my heart and I remember that my life had no hope and no purpose.
Posted in About Me (RSS), Archive (RSS), My Story (RSS)
What made you decide to try to change?
Posted on Sunday, February 10, 2008 at 8:54 AM by Duncan Bouwer
It's interesting that when I finally made a commitment to changing, it didn't take me a lot of time to decide to do it. It was what lead up to it that took the time.
I started reading books about the occult in 1989 when my lover left the country to live in London (see "Were you happy as a gay man?" for that part of the story). I was into all sorts of things, reading about Theosophy, Wicca and the Caballah mostly. Some of the literature that I read, mostly the New Age stuff spoke about the Christ consciousness, and because I had been a nominal Christian before, I didn't find it too hard to pray to the (non-threatening) Christ consciousness. I was praying quite regularly when I played the part of Jesus in the musical "Godspell" at the end of 1990. Of course, I could do all the things I wanted to, like smoke dope, drink a lot, sleep around etc. if I wanted to, because the new age religion very obligingly doesn't prescribe behaviour except to adjure us all to goodness.
Some time before a friend of mine moved in with me because he didn't have a job or a place to stay. He was a fallen Christian who was also into the gay lifestyle, and of course all his good Christian friends were praying for him, so they just started praying for me too! Since I was getting closer and closer to faith in the true Christ anyway, this was just the nudge I needed. It wasn't that I knew that they were praying for me or even would have approved, because they were all, according to me, a bunch of lily-livered wimps who looked pretty boring.
One morning while I was walking in the park with my dog, I was praying as usual, when I just had the overwhelming conviction that what I was praying to was a person and that his Name was Jesus and that he was rightfully Lord of my life. It wasn't a very emotional experience. But I did realise at once that my life would have to change, and somehow I had made the preparations in my mind to be willing. Perhaps the inherent chaos of my life (See "Were you happy as a gay man?") had plowed the ground up.
The bottom line is that I knew from my past growing up in a conservative Afrikaans Community, what the Bible said about homosexuality (For a discussion on the subject, click here) . I found myself saying to my new Lord that, whereas I was gay and I knew what he thought about that lifestyle, I wouldn't be able to change myself, so I would expect him to change me if he wanted to. The rest of that story is told at "Do you ever think about having sex with a man anymore?" and "How has being a Christian influenced your sexuality?
Posted in About Me (RSS), Archive (RSS), My Story (RSS), Struggle (RSS)
Do you ever think about having sex with a man anymore?
Posted on Sunday, February 10, 2008 at 8:46 AM by Duncan Bouwer
Once again, there is a short answer and a long explanation. The short answer is... "NO!"
I believe strongly that if you make up your mind that this is not an option anymore, you are able to take a big step in the direction of being free from the desire to have sex with a man. It's the same as any heterosexual couple who have a monogamous relationship. If you are unwillingly trapped into a relationship where you would rather be with anybody but your spouse/partner, then your eyes will stray and you will consciously or unconsciously be on the lookout for an opportunity to sleep with somebody else. If, in the back of your mind you are secretly convinced that there is somebody else out there that would be better to be with than your current "partner" then you will sniffing the wind for other opportunities.
But if you are convinced that what is happening in your life is the best that God can have for you, then you will not be looking out for something else. This is the case with me.
Firstly, I am convinced that it is not God's will for me to act out same-sex attractions. So, right from the start I avoided everything that could put me in a place where I would be vulnerable to something like that. As time went by the reason for the need to be united with a man sexually diminished more and more. God the Father poured love and affirmation of my masculinity into that space where the emptiness exists and so I am more and more enabled to act out my destiny as a whole man.
It is interesting that when I don't spend regular time in God's presence worshiping him and being in a place to receive his love and affirmation, then I become more vulnerable. It's a basic principle of walking in the Spirit. (Contact Mark Sutherland of "Open Arms" to get his book "Born Gay, so What?") I am able to conform to my true identity to the degree that I fulfil my true calling, namely, to worship the Father and submit my will and identity to him for his shaping.
The cynics will be saying that this proves that I can never change completely, and in a sense this is true. I will probably never be fully heterosexual. But I am free enough to live my life as a husband and father to a degree that is satisfying to me and my family, and I am becoming more and more free all the time.
I am never overcome by an irresistible urge to sleep with a man. The worst it gets is that sometime I am aware of a man in a way that plays into my insecurities in a particular way, and I must be careful to make sure that I guard my heart and mind (see the article I wrote about that) and go where the real need can be met. This genuinely works. I go into my study, put on some worship music and cry out my pain and loneliness to the Father. It is not the man that I have seen that I need, but rather the affirmation of my Lord, and then, I kid you not, everything is OK.
It's no good just fighting the urges. They only become stronger if we resist them without applying the medication that God provided. We must go to the source to quench our real thirst. GOD IS FAITHFUL!
Posted in About Me (RSS), Archive (RSS), My Story (RSS), Struggle (RSS)
Do you enjoy sex with your wife?
Posted on Sunday, February 10, 2008 at 8:40 AM by Duncan Bouwer
The short answer is "YES!" I have never struggled in my sexual attraction to my wife. I know some gay men cannot even imagine themselves in bed with a woman. They are completely turned off by the thought of having heterosexual sex. This is not the case with me, and I don't think it ever was. My issues with my mother did not leave that kind of scar on my sexuality (see " Why do you think you turned out like this? " for a full explanation).
It was more that I was overwhelmingly sexually attracted to men. Once that was in the process of being dealt with (see "Do you ever think about having sex with a man anymore?") I was free to enjoy sex with my wife.
The problems (yes there are some) come with the sexual habits I learned as a gay man, and these are far more difficult to get rid of than the actual attraction to men. The first and most difficult, is the ingrained notion that my wife should take as short a time as I to get turned on (after all, a male sexual partner does). Because it takes her roughly 10 times as long as me to become sexually aroused, I sometimes find it very daunting to try to initiate sexual contact with her. (This is called laziness). In my understanding this is a problem most heterosexual men face. This is just the way God has created us, and so it is something we have to learn to deal with in a sacrificial way. From what I understand, most men get around this problem by just having sex with their wives anyway, and so the woman never has a satisfying experience.
This forces us to work with our wives in a way that maintains personal intimacy between us in an ongoing way, and most men fail in this regard, from what I hear from people I know who have no homosexual past.
Another component is the fact that, as a result of years of masturbation, I really struggle with premature ejaculation. This is a particularly private thing to share on a Website like this, but it is only fair to try and warn people that their habits will have consequences in later life, that may complicate matters.
Masturbation itself is also a problem I have to deal with. Most men do, apparently, and since it satisfies me so easily and without any (time consuming) foreplay, it robs my wife of intimacy. This is not something which directly results from any feelings about sex with my wife, but rather an adolescent habit which I have to keep a check on all the time.
How much more than that would you like to know? (smile)
Posted in About Me (RSS), Archive (RSS), My Story (RSS), Struggle (RSS)
How has being a Christian influenced your sexuality?
Posted on Sunday, February 10, 2008 at 8:13 AM by Duncan Bouwer
Well, to start off with, it prompted me to consider the possibility that I might be able to change a lifestyle which had become my identity. When I gave my life to the Lord after a period of spiritual searching (See " What made you decide to try to change?") I was somehow ready to consider that I would have to give up my right to decide about my own sexuality.
This is an enormous thing and has to be a factor in any Christian's walk with God, hetero- as well as homosexual. There will be no change without it. If you somehow carry the notion around in the back of your mind that God is spoiling your fun, you can forget it, you will not change. Christian do not have rights, and before we commit to Jesus, we have only one right: the right to choose between life and death!
That is the first influence my Christianity had on my life. And that is also the main reason that I have any success at all in my struggle with an unwanted same-sex attraction.
Another influence has been in the area of masculinity. I was never terribly effeminate, but I did have a huge gaping hole in my image of myself as a man. I would be completely intimidated by whole, heterosexual men, desiring to be like them and therefore desiring them. Before I became a Christian, I was mostly surrounded by gay men, who were all searching for the perfect lover to complete them. After I became a Christian, I found that I slowly but surely started building non-sexual relationships with other men, and with righteous Christian leaders who in a sense "re-fathered" me. This has had a tremendous influence. Not so long ago I had a very significant dream. I will describe it briefly because of it's extraordinary influence on my life.
I was at a picnic of some sort, and present were several people, among them my current pastor. I went up to him and asked him if he knew what the name "Mephibosheth" means. Now please note that I couldn't even pronounce the name in my waking state, let alone had thought much about it, much less did I know what it meant. Anyway, my pastor in my dream said: "That's it!" and then I went moggy. I picked him up and threw him down a steep incline. Even in my dream I knew that what was happening was demonic. There was more, but I woke up the next morning and checked what the name means. It means "dispeller of shame (i.e. of Baal)" according to the Strong's Concordance. (Baal is one of the idols of sexual sin, and is mostly associated with sexual perversion. He was one of the gods that Yahweh warned the Israelites to have nothing to do with). Then I checked who Mephibosheth was, and found that he was a son of Jonathan, and was a cripple. Because David wanted to honour any living relative of his good friend Jonathan, this cripple ended up at the king's table (it was unheard of that this should happen).
The Lord was saying three things:
1. Shame was the problem and that it was demonic
2. I would dispel shame (my own, and others'?)
3. I would sit at the king's table in spite of my affliction honoured because of whose son I am.
In the ensuing months, I was delivered of this affliction: the shame that clung to me for who knows what reason. One reason was that I was unwanted by my father (see "Why do you think you turned out like this? ") and never could earn his love, as well as the possibility that I might have been abused (no memories, but all the symptoms)
Today I can look almost any man in the eye. I have relapses but God is progressively changing my outlook.
Today I also lead a church plant in progress, ministering to many young people. My past isn't an issue, even though I often use it in my sermons. Ironically, I am a father to many, often to ever-straight men who are my senior in years and position.
God is amazing!
Edited on: Sunday, February 10, 2008 8:37 AMPosted in About Me (RSS), Archive (RSS), My Story (RSS), Struggle (RSS)
Can you honestly say it was worth it?
Posted on Sunday, February 10, 2008 at 8:09 AM by Duncan Bouwer
I can. On a purely practical level, I stood a good chance of getting aids. The kind of sex practised by homosexuals most often includes use of alcohol and drugs, and certainly did in my case, and one tends to be a little lax about protection under those circumstances.
I would not have wanted to continue as I was. I was an intelligent man who would never have been able to think of myself as anything but an ageing 18-year old, talented, but never able to come into my own because of my profound brokenness.
But most deeply, if I had let my homosexuality stand between me and God for ever, I would never have got to know Jesus, and this would have been the defining tragedy of my life. The Christ Principle does not have the compassion of the flesh-and-bone Jesus whom I serve and love, and who gives profound meaning and purpose to my life. I worship him because he has saved me from myself and destruction. He has given me new life which has enabled me to be adopted into the family of Yahweh, and so I will worship him eternally, sharing with him in never ending joy of his presence.
Yes, it has been worth it!
Posted in About Me (RSS), Archive (RSS)
Faith History
Posted on Saturday, February 09, 2008 at 6:23 PM by Duncan Bouwer
I grew up in a home where we never went to church. Because I was in an Afrikaans school, where we practised Christianity as an institutionalised religion, I leant about the bible as a matter of course. I periodically went to camps etc. where I was indoctrinated into a Christian worldview along with everybody else.
In grade 6 I was asked to go to a bible study by a pastor who lived in the same block of flats as we did. Because I was lonely and unhappy I did. That evening I experienced the Holy Spirit. During the prayer I started crying inexplicably. I started attending an Assemblies of God church pastored by the man mentioned above. I can't remember if I actually made a commitment or not, but later on at school, during a camp, I had another experience with the Lord and did make a commitment.
One holiday when I was 16 I was visiting my father and got involved with the Invisible Church in Durban. This served to sort of boost me again for a while, because in between my commitment always lapsed.
When I got to university I got involved in homosexuality and because I couldn't reconcile it with my "faith", I lapsed to the point where I stopped believing completely. I also got involved with an atheist who was my lover for 7 years, and this was the nail in the coffin.
When he left the country in 1989, I started a journey to rediscover my spiritual roots. I started reading about the occult and Wicca, Theosophy, the Caballah, etc., and worshipped Diana the moon goddess, and Faunus, the sun god. I started praying again, having a real sense of connection with whomever was praying to (by this time I was praying to a sort of a Christ Consciousness- a new age concept).
In 1990 I did the musical Godspell, in which I played the role of Jesus. I had to memorise large portions of scripture, and did a good job-- people testified to recommitting their lives to God after the performance etc.-- an irony since I was smoking dope every day, leading others astray with my new age beliefs etc.
In June of 1991 I was walking in the park with my dog, praying as usual, and then I just knew that I had to stop fooling myself. I knew that I praying to the Lord of all, Jesus, and had to acknowledge it. I informed a Christian friend of the fact later in the day, she invited me to a home cell, and the rest is history. I started attending the church she went to, where I am to this day, 16 years later.
My life has completely changed. When I committed my life to the Lord in 1991, people testified to the fact that my face and even my voice changed. I love God and have learnt the skill of worshipping him. He is the whole reason for my existence. Anything that doesn't contribute to that reality must go.
I attended a 2 year course in practical ministries between 1993 and 1994 and was in full-time ministry until 2006 after which I left to pursue a career in Journalism.
Edited on: Sunday, February 10, 2008 7:54 AMPosted in About Me (RSS), Archive (RSS)
Beliefs
Posted on Saturday, February 09, 2008 at 6:16 PM by Duncan Bouwer
I Believe in God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, as set out in the Apostle's Creed and Nicene Creed of the Christian Faith.
I believe that active homosexuality is not the will of God for our lives, and that he has something better for us.
I believe that same-sex attractions are not chosen, but acting out of same-sex behaviour is a choice which is not inevitable.
I believe until more conclusive evidence is presented, that homosexuality is not genetic per se. I acknowledge that it may have some hereditary aspect to it, which may lead to a propensity toward same-sex attraction, but that this in and of itself does not mean that homosexuality is to be accepted as a lifestyle. But I also believe that even if homosexuality is wholly genetic, that we are called to walk in the spirit and can live lives that please God. (Read "Born Gay. So What? by Mark Sutherland)
I believe that the Bible does not under any circumstances condone sexual activity between members of the same sex . See Joe Dallas' discussion on the subject.
I believe an unwanted same-sex attraction can be changed through submission to the transforming power of the Holy Spirit.
Whereas I would like to change, I believe that God is sovereign, and that he has the right to choose, for his own reasons, to allow us to remain attracted to the same sex for the rest of our lives on earth if he wants to. Nevertheless, I choose to resist these attractions, and to strive for greater christlikeness in every aspect of my life, including my sexuality.
Posted in About Me (RSS), Archive (RSS), Beliefs (RSS)
Setting the Scene: Disclaimer
Posted on Saturday, February 09, 2008 at 5:58 PM by Duncan Bouwer
If you are interested in what I have to say, you may very well have spent many hours agonizing over your life.
To be fair to you, I must make it clear that, whereas I used to be gay, now I am a Christian in the "traditional" sense, in that I do not believe it is reasonably possible to reconcile active homosexuality as a lifestyle with the lifestyle of being a follower of Jesus.
For the purposes of this website, my position is clear and I am not prepared to dicuss it. (There is respectful dialogue at Bridges Across) I am prepared to say this: in my opinion we cannot get away from the facts: God made us men and women, and every discussion on sexual relationship in the Bible, every description of us a mirror of the Almighty, as his image, describes us as relating to each other as male and female.
So I want to tell honestly of what it means to follow the path to which I believe we have all been called, homo- as well as heterosexual: the path of submission of our sexuality to Christ. It is not an easy path.
Posted in About Me (RSS), Archive (RSS)
To Start with-- The Long Journey
Posted on Saturday, February 09, 2008 at 4:45 PM by Duncan Bouwer
Hi There
I have been writing on various websites about homosexuality since I was introduced to the Internet in 1996.
It started on A site that I ran called Hero Minitries. After that I bought a domian called www.exgayman.org. Unfortunately I was stupid enough to dump the domain and buy this one, without selling it. It has been taken over by some sort of gay porn link. Very dumb of me.
My views have remained essentially the same but they are developing. So I will put what I wrote way back then in the ARCHIVE category to keep a record of what I have thought over the years. I may comment on my own thoughts as time goes by to make sure that I stay current. But for now I am just going to document, one post a day, what I have said over the years and then take it from there. I hope you will comment and engage with me. I am sure you will!
Blessings
Duncan Bouwer